Luahan hati ke hati

Ok. I need to spit this out of my head before my weekend starts, or I'll be so tensed! I am at work. I was trying to tutor this one guy for his C++ stuff. He was having trouble with his program and he actually expected me to FIX the program for him. I tried. He obviously is doing his homework in the very last minute, and he expects me to just look at it and fix it in a blink of an eye. BULL SHIT!
He didn't even have his notes with him, and why on earth would he think that i can easily look at the mess he created and give him the solution without any single reference? I've helped somebody before, with their C++ homework, BUT with their NOTES!!! DUH! Finally, he left (angrily, I guess) and I feel bad about it. I wish I could just tell him "hey bro, next time, make sure you're prepared. At least have your books or notes with you when you come in!!! I am not a teacher. I am here to help what I can!!!"

That's the end of that. Conclusion: I AM NOT AT FAULT!!

Seriously, he should go to the TA ahead of time. That's what they're there for. Urgh!

So now that it's out there, I can go ahead and enjoy my weekend. :P

Fun..fun..

hahahuhu(that's a good intro..erk?)

I'm in Leonhard right now, with some crazy IEs. So, they are struggling with their homework, projects and stuff while I am sorta wasting my time, typing up my entry. I just got off from my IE 402 group meeting and I have 22 minutes to the next class.

Hubby is nowhere to be found today. He hasn't called and he did not pick up the phone. Hm..well, maybe he's still in bed. Nothing new with that. Kehkehkeh..

So last night, erm..I mean this morning, I had a weird feeling. It's just one of those days, you know, you just feel like crying. Thanx Hubby for the time spent on the phone, listening to me cry. Haha..and special thanx to this pro-Michigan-anti-PennState-football-team guy who actually spent his time talking and "kinda" cheering me up indirectly in the middle of the night. I really, really appreciate it buddy.

So, the agenda for today is halfway done. I was late for the Palmer job, but Lynne, she never fails to tell me that it's ok to be late. Haha.. she's the best supervisor EVER la kan.. spent the whole 3 hours doing homework and reading my notes. So, next, IE 408W class. Fun stuff. No lab today, but I gotta tutor 7.30p to 9p. Steve, you better buy me lunch or dinner someday for this!

Okay..in conclusion (ayat skema), I am in a good mood today (at least I am, so far). So, I'll keep my fingers crossed for now. No more crying tonight allright me?

Owh, I received Zai's raya card. That might be the only card for this year. Erk, sad..But na'ah..that's fine. Owh, don't get me started on the being strong part. Aja-aja fighting!! Huhu.. Thanx Zai..mwahs mwahs..

so, off me go..class! Here I come Dr Newman. I love u too.

Grasias (is that right Jonathan?)

For a change..

It's late. Me not asleep yet. Just got off the phone, talking to mak. haven't called her in a while. It's been crazy this week. Exams and all. No different from any other weeks.

Now? Tears filled up my two big, wide eyes. If I have more than two eyes, I bet that I would fill those up fast too with these feelings I have.

Basically, I don't know what to feel, how to act. I miss home, yes. Miss my family, yes. However, I still do not think the WHOLE family misses me, if you know what I mean. Sometimes, I cry at night, thinking abt all the things that I did, all the words that I said, all the hearts that I've broken. And why exactly am I crying in my room right now again? I don't think the whole thing was totally my fault!

One simple wish I have; I do want things to be right again. Everything. What if this is gonna be the last time you hear from me? Are you gonna cry for me anyway? Aren't you gonna miss me at all? Not even close? Naaa..whatever..*sigh*

Today, JPA deposited the Nov-Dec-Jan allowance. Kinda excited about that. But na'ah..considering that I won't be receiving my paycheck this Friday, due to some Human Resource's fault, I am not too excited anymore afterall.

Another sad news. Mak's package-shipment exception. What does that suppose to mean? Erk? Of course I did call the FedEx people, and they need confirmation about the content of the package. No no, it's the Malaysian inspection, they are so full of crap! I had already declared the things I sent into this one long document, but NNNOOOO they need EXTRA EXTRA info. WHAT???!! Urgh, I hope the package will be delivered really soon. Before Raya please?? Pretty, pretty pleaassee..?? *another sigh*

I am seriously CRAVING to type up something happily on my blog. I seriously do, but there is NO WAY that I can lie about my inner feelings. I can't fake it (unlike some people..) so do not expect all the fakeness to come from me. At least not for now. hehe..

I gotta get going. If you're confused of what I posted in this blog, ignore it. It's just this stupid mixed-feelings of mine. Tomorrow: work, meeting, class, work. Conclusion: duh!!!

Nighty nite..~layter!

cool stuff abt ME!

How You Are In Love

You fall in love quickly and easily. And very often. You give and take equally in relationships. You need your space and privacy. You don't like to be smothered. You love your partner unconditionally and don't try to make them change. You stay in love for a long time, even if you aren't loved back. When you fall, you fall hard.

10 things I hate to do during Raya season..

1. I hate to miss home so much, that it makes me sick.
2. I hate to crave my mom's cooking although she doesn't cook very much.
3. I hate to remember those small fights between my sisters and I and laughed out loud when thinking about.
4. I hate to want to come home during every holidays.
5. I hate to think of buying gifts for each of my family members when I go shopping.
6. I hate to cry whenever I see the "incomplete" family pictures at my sister's fotopages.
7. I hate to put the raya songs on my iTunes b/c they remind me of being away from home.
8. I hate to call home because I don't wanna burst into tears at night, wishing that I'd be there.
9. I hate to wake up and find that I'm alone here therefore I make myself busy.
10. Lastly, I hate being away from home, it makes me realize the little things that I miss most back at HOME.

To those of you whose close to home right now, appreciate it. *sob sob*

Another weekend

Today, yes, I do take a break from school work and work. I took some time watching the game (obviously) and I spent the night watching movies, hanging out and eating with couple friends at hubby's place. Lotsa fun..hehe..

Talking about fun, erm..makes me think of my life to come. what would it be like after I graduate? will i have this much fun with my friends aagain? Hubby? what's gonna happen to us. Spending some time with my beloved ones here makes me feel closer to being apart. Hubby, Nard, Am, Kun, Yana, Oja, Izzawan and the rest of Pennstaters? what'd would it be like not having you guys around anymore? Gosh..it must have been a while since I last see some of them, most of them. I've been to busy with work and school that sometimes I tend to forget the people around me.

My decision to come home and get a full-time job is final. I decide to live with my mom for a bit and go wherever my job wants me to go. Hard, I know but I guess that's how it's gonna be for now. I will be away from him but closer to my family. It's time for me to serve my family, especially my mom and be a grown up. I've never afford to be in a long distance relationship but as a grown up, I should give this a shot. As long as I have faith in us, I will try my very best to make "us" happen.

The agenda for this coming week, I have one midterm on the hardest course that I am taking, IE 468: Optimization Modelling blah blah. I'm definitely gonna be busy starting from tomorrow but right after the test, I will be off the hook for quite a bit. Seriously, being a busy lady makes me feel less alert of what's coming. I mean, I will not be thinking about my future or anything that can make me scared of moving on with my life. Hmmph..

My I-94 stuff, it's been settled. I renewed my I-9 form and I am eligible to work until the rest of my studies here. So, to my family, no need to worry. Aa yeah..I mean, do not START to worry (since I know you guys never have) about my financial stuff. I will try my best not to burden you guys with my financial support. Na'ah..I don't think you guys care, do you? What the heck!!

Okay, enough already. With regards to Oja's request, I changed my comments-settings to allow anyone to leave comments on my blog. Feel free to do so if you want. If not, I don't care too. So, whichever that makes you happy, allright?

Owh yea..Penn State won again tonight. They beat Illinois with the score 63-10. So now, we're left with 7-1 4-1. Good job, guys! Kepp it up!

Kinda tired, might as well go to bed before I add more emotions on my blog. Good night and pray for me..always! Salam~

Just a summary..huhu

This week. Tired. Exam. Need sleep. Too much crap. Hate faker! erk.. Yucks!

Weekend. Football. Study. Work. Sleep more. Huhu.. miss home. Miss mak. Mail the package. Wait for package. IE 468 Ie 468 IE 468!!! You fake!!

Tired..tired..tired..urgh!!!

For you..

Too many things going on these days. Exams, quizzes, projects, homework and quizzes. Here's a little something for my friends out there..

A Shoulder To Cry On - Tommy Page

Life is full of lots of up and downs
but the distance feels further
when it's headed for the ground
and there's nothing more painful
than to let your feeling's take
you down

It's so hard to know
the way you feel inside
when there's many thoughts
and feelings that you hide
but you might feel better
if you let me walk with you
by your side

And when you need
A shoulder to cry on
when you need
a friend to rely on
and the whole world is gone
you won't be alone
'cause I'll be there
I'll be your shoulder to cry on
I'll be there
I'll be your friend to rely on
When the whole world's gone
you won't be alone 'cause I'll be there

All of the times
when everything is wrong
and you're feeling like
there's no use going on
You can't give it up
I'll help you work it out
and carry on

Side by side
with you till the end
I'll always be the one
to firmly hold your hand
no matter what is said or done
our love will always continue on

Everyone needs a shoulder to cry on
Everyone needs a friend to rely on
When the whole world is gone, you won't be alone
'cause I'll be there
I'll be your shoulder to cry on
I'll be there
I'll be your friend to rely on
When the whole world is gone, You won't be alone
'cause I'll be there
You'll have my shoulder to cry on
I'll be there
I'll be the one to rely on
When the whole world is gone, you won't be alone
'cause I'll be there

And when the whole world's gone
You'll always have my shoulder to cry on

We have to move on and pray for the best! Glad that I have a shoulder to cry on. You, thank you!

What if..

I'm in my room, on this one fine Saturday morning. Being alone, making me start thinking of so many things; my past, my sweet memories with my family, my friends and my special one, him. It makes me think of bad memories, also with the people that I love. Externally, people see me as a cheerful, happy girl. Inside, nobody knows but me..and of course Him. Today-football day-happy?-maybe.

Yesterday, spent some time with the girls; Am, Kun and Nard. Had so much fun. It's always nice to have such good times with the girls. They make me forget about the crap that happened the night before. It made me stop crying. Made me feel entertained and soothed, indirectly. Shopped, talked, laughed a lot. But all the laughters..gone when I am left alone here in my room at night. I feel like crap. Having a fight like that with her makes me feel uncomfy. I tend to want to cry all the time. Maybe I was wrong after all.

If YOU happen to see this, I would like to apologize from deep down my heart. I am sorry for acting the way I did. Being disrespectful of YOU and all. From now, I won't interfere with your life..One thing that I ask, please be the old YOU again. I want to have the relationship that we once had again. I want us to share our laughters and sadness like we used to. I don't wanna stay in a fight like this, EVER.

Is my decision right? Do they really want me home? Do they really miss me after all? My presence there, I don't think it's needed in anyways. I am just one heck of a neglected girl..Wallahu'alam..

To Zai especially; I miss you.. MMU girls: Reen, Ika, Rad, Ami, Ani, Nad, Sap - you guys are always in my mind. Wish I could go back to the times that we have so much fun together..miss you guys so DAMN much!

Huh..

I don't understand why some people can lie and lie about stuff. It's even more disappointing when one lies to the one that he or she loves. It's unacceptable. If that's the case, nobody can trust anybody anymore.

Today, I discovered something; frustrating and disappointing. I never thought that she will have the guts to do such things and hurt the person that I love most. How could she? Can't she see what she's caused? Can't she see what the consequences from her behavior are? Can't she even think it through before she does something? God! What the hell did she think she's doing?

If this is how she behaves, I really2 wish that one day she will learn her lesson and have some other people do the same thing to her. Liar! YOU should be ashamed of yourself. Look around YOU. See what YOU've done.

Whatever it is, I have no respect for YOU anymore, EVER. Although I am younger that YOU, YOU don't deserve to be treated with respect by me. Get away from me, I don't know YOU anymore. You've changed too much and YOU've gone over the line this time. I want the OLD you back. I miss her and I hate YOU!

Long, long day

I'm at work. Waiting for the break-fast time. So, here I am..bored and tired at the same time. this has been the longest day. My class started at 8am this morning until 11am, one hour break before my first shift in Learning Center at 1pm-4pm. After that, I walked over to Leonhard again for a group meeting and run back to learning Center for my 2nd shift of the day at 6pm-9pm. No, I'm not done at 9pm. I have another group meeting at 9pm tonight. Hmmpphh..long day..I told you so!

Today, I get to straighten things out with Yana about the apartment thingy. I have no idea WHY am I dragged into the picture but seriously, please, I don't mind listening to anybody's problem at all, but do not expect too much from me. For example whenever anybody feel like telling me their problem, do not expect me to do the things FOR them. You have your problems, try to find your own way to fix it. You're a big girl/boy now. Act like one..!!

How can people not be independent. I thought independence is in fact in everybody. Everybody has to learn how to be independent..right? When you reach a certain age, you have to know how to deal with stuff. make decisions for you, your significant other or your friends if you have to. You can't seek for help EVERY single time you face any problems. What do you call somebody who seeks help from other people EVERYTIME they are in trouble? LOSERS! Some things, you can seek for help. Most of the time, you're on your own. It's your life! Make it happen!

Sekian, wassalam.

Unproductive me..erk?

Here comes another week. As usual, classes and all are trying to crawl back into my schedule. The good thing is, I have no exams until next Monday. Sob sob, I wish I could be in Muchigan this weekend to watch the football game. But hell yea..I have tons of homework and studying to be done. Hik hik hik..

more news. Midterm 1 402 was not as bad as I thought it would be. I really thought I screwed up, but Mr Chandra saved my life, sorta. I did not do like super well in the test, but it's good enough considering that I studied only the night before the test due to some other commitments such as watching TV and chilling. Wahahah..

And another good news is, I improved my grade in 468 with my 2nd homework. It was more or less the average of the whole class and I am glad for my current score. Next homework, Gary, Candice, be ready to pick up my calls. uh..Mr Cavalier too, be ready to see me in your office..LOL!

I have nothing much to say actually. I gotta start studying from now. But before I "keyboard-off", I'm just gonna post this little picture that was taken by Adrienne from Penn State Vs Central Michigan game last couple weeks. I look so damn happy in my Medium Kid's sized Penn state Jersey..woohoo. Enjoy!

WE ARE..PENNSTATE!

I love my life..ahahha..I love Penn State..I love football..believe me..I understand the game..

Well, yesterday, Penn State beat Ohio State..with score 17-10. Although most people believed that Penn State is gonna lose, but seriously, since I went to every single game of their this season, I do have faith in them. So, to anybody who has not seen the games, or does not understand how the game works, STOP UNDERESTIMATING PENN STATE FOOT BALL TEAM!!! You deserve a kick in the head. The game was super. The defense teams were both very strong and high skilled I might say. It was really hard for both teams to get to first down. penn State did really well on eliminating their turnovers compared to Ohio State; 1 interception and 1 fumble. The interception lead to our second touch down. That was the turning point of the game. Thanx to the players and of course special thanx to us, as the loyal fans!!

Today, we (the Malaysians) have a meeting with the MSD. I didn't get to stay for long since I have some other commitment, such as work. Bummer? Na'ah..kinda prefer being here at work than being there listening to lectures etc etc..I was rewarded the Ceritificate of Merits for getting a 3 pointer last Spring'05 (Alhamdulillah) and I will try my very best again this semester to boost up my CGPA for my own sake. Hehe..

Owh..one more new stuff. I bought a new laptop! Erk..huge huh? I decided to swith to Windows system considering that most softwares that I am using in my senior courses and projects are only compatible with Windows, not Mac. So, I bought one hell of a Sony VAIO notebook (definitely not telling anybody the model) and for now I am thinking of keeping my first and foremost iBook for sentimental values. Of course when it's time to get rid of it, I'll do it. Another good reason to sell it is when I am broke. Haha..so we'll see how that goes..good?

What now? I don't know what else to say but now that I know the true feeling as a Penn Stater..We are...PENN STATE!!!

The weekend is back!

You have no idea of how relieved I am today. I have no exams or quizzes next week. How cool is that?? So, this weekend, my plans. Friday night. I'm going out with my beloved to dinner and to the movie theatre for "WAIT-ing". Saturday. Work in the morning at the creamery. Yea..haa!! I am fasting!! Then that night; the big game. Penn State Vs Ohio State. Go Lions!!! Then on Sunday. Just plain homework and also work at the Learning Center. Sounds good??

Owh yea..I felt terrible this morning when I received a replied email from my best friend, back in Malaysia. Nurzaiha Mirawati..I am so sorry for forgetting your 22nd birthday. I had too much crap on the back of my head and I did not try hard enough to fit you in. But hey, I hope the email I sent counts. You were seriously on my mind on that day.

So, Zai, "HAPPY 22ND BIRTHDAY. I MISS YOU DAMN MUCH. I REALLY HOPE THAT YOU HAD A BLAST ON YOUR SPECIAL DAY AND PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE DO NOT TAKE ME OUT OF YOUR HEART."

Also, one picture from her had actually made my day. She sent me her graduation picture..aaawww..I wish I was there to see you walk up that stage. I am definitely so proud of you my friend.


That's zai in her square hat. So, I'll make sure that I will get to wear that cool hat too! :P


Switching gears, yesterday, I finally got the chance to purchase a birthday gift for my dearest mother. I know that it might be a little late but since I am still a student, waiting for my next pay-check is an acceptable reason allright? I bought her the cellphone that I think she might like and it will be delivered to my home around next 2 weeks (I hope!). Just in case any of my family members read this post, please keep it a secret. It's a big big surprise to my dearest mother. Don't worry, you will get your incentives for keeping this out of mak's knowledge ok? Just wait and see.

Hmmph..I feel good today. I don't know why. I hope it's gonna stay this way at least till the end of the weekend. Until then~

....losing myself

It's been a long day. Work 10a-12p, test 12.30p-2.00p, class 2.30-3.30p, lab 3.30p-5.30p then class 6p-9p. Isn't that exciting? I feel like crap today. I am totally beat, I feel lonely and I feel like breaking down and cry towards the end of the day. Why? I don't know. Maybe it's just one of those days.

So yes, I made my decision oon coming home after I graduate for good. Full-time job? Yes..in Kuching? Maybe. Aim? Apart..fate?? yes.. we will try hard to make it happen. Although I know it's gonna be hard for us, but if this is gonna make everybody happy, I'll do it. Who knows..I might be happy with my decision later...right?

I told Lynne, Ron and Bill (palmr Museum family) about it. Can't help seeing the reaction on Bill's face. He's like a dad to me here and he seemed to be very upset with my decision. I will not be seeing him again here..I will not get to have our little talk at the museum and most importantly, I will not get to cry happily or sadly in his arms anymore. I am damn sure that I am gonna miss him. I wish I have a picture of him right now and post it onto this blog, but my computer's dead, so, yea..maybe later.

Basically I'm back to square one. Thinking and thinking if I am actually making the right choice.

Nope..I don't wanna cry. I got a homework due tomorrow. I havent even started working on that yet. Better go..till then..assalamualaikum..

To my beloved family back home, Selamat Ramadhan. I really miss u guys. Oopps..there goes my first drop of tears in the month of Ramadhan...

And the week begins..

It's Monday. The first day of skewl. I was late this morning. Skipped one lecture and attend half of one lecture after that. Why? becoz my body can't take it anymore. Yesterday was a productive day. Completed my homework which was due earlier this morning and studied for my test tomorrow. So now, I am at work until 6pm and right after work, I'll head back to my room for prayers and continue on studying for tomorrow. Interesting? hehe..

Oct 3rd, 1977-28 years ago, a child was born, my eldest sister!!!

To Kak Ani;
"HAPPY 28TH BIRTHDAY!"

I know, i know, I didn't get to call you on your cell or talk to you online. I remember your birthday. Yes, I really do. I can't go online as much at night due to my dead computer and erk, I have no reason not to call. But hey, it's the thought that matters ok my sister sayang? Hope u had a good one allrighty??

Switching gears; today, it suddenly came into mind that my W-4 form is gonna expired in a month. I haven't got my new I-94 card yet. Aaaargh! without that card, I won;t be able to work! without work, I'll be out of money! without money, I will be broke! No!! That can't happen! I need to work! In fact work is my middle name..wahahah..!! I am definitely freaking out right now but there's nothing else I can do except for waiting for the freakin' card to arrive in my mailbox. Hm..or maybe I can check in to the International Office and ask them what they can do.

Tonight, study study and more studying. I need to do well in my test tomorrow. Hm..what about studying now? Aaa..that's a good idea. Catch u later! ~

Ooops..

Opps..this might be a little too late, but I would like to wish a friend of mine, OJA a Happy 22nd Birthday (Sept 30, 2005). Hehe..I was too busy to go online and of course it's even harder to go online when the computer in my room is dead. So Oja,

"I hope you had a very happy birthday and may all the blessings be with you.."

Today, I am busy with my IE 468 homework which is due tomorrow in class. Hope I can manage to get up that early tomorrow. I don't understand how much time I spent on this second homework; simply because I did poorly on the first one. Currently, I'm at work in Sparks and I guess I will be finishing up that homework after work and then start studying for my exam this Tuesday, IE 402. YES, MY LIFE IS BORING!!!

And uhm..yesterday, I went to the Penn State Vs Minnesota game. Believe it or not, WE WON!! We scored 44-14 and currently Penn State is ranked on the 16th spot. Isn't that great? At least I get to be involved in Penn State's "football world" in my final year. I'm pretty sure that I am gonna miss all this after I graduate.

I have nothing much to say for now. Until next time~

Hm..

Hi again,

I am at work right now. Yes, this is my only way to get access to the internet. My computer is still broken and I am just too busy to think about it. It's okay, I'll try a way to fix it. The only think I can think of is to buy a new hard drive for it. Heck yea!! It's gonna cost me at least $50 for that. Money, money money..hehe

Well, I skipped both my classes today. I did not do it on purpose. Yesterday was a long day for me. That was basically why I couldn't get up this morning. I was too tired and I had too much crap on the back of my head. So, once in a while, I need a long sleep too.

I called Mak today and guess what?? It's her BIRTHDAY (according to Malaysian date). And the best thing is, I am the first person to wish her a happy birthday and sing her a birthday song right at 12am (Malaysian time). I am so glad!! She "claimed" that she is turning 35 today. Aww..let's just believe her for today ok? (Hint: of course it's the numbers should be in the other order..hehe) I really miss her. I hope you're happy on your birthday allright Mak?

Hugs to my cute & adorable & beautiful & young (inside) mother:




Okay..I got to go. I need to meet with my instructor. Hope he can help me on my homework. Ta-ta~