Based on the title of this specific entry, obviously, I have mixed feelings right now :
sad, confused, happy, longing, homesick, excited etc etc
I am at work right now, google-ing for some news about the one unfortunate event that almost make me lose my mind before the MASAPSU BBQ today. I couldn't catch my breath when I heard about this tragic mishap but after listening to the healing voice of my beloved mother, I made it through the BBQ without any tears trickling down my cheeks. I managed to put the smiles on my face and also tried very hard to not spoil the afternoon/evening. I had fun..had good food, good company..also, took a lot of pictures of my Malaysian family members here, something to remember them by..I won't even know if I will get to spend much time with them after I leave here for good..right? I will for sure miss them ALL and if I have, at anytime (via direct interaction or blog), hurt anybody that I interact with while I'm here, I WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGIZE..I don't feel like sharing those pictures in my blog..partly b/c I am not in the best mood right now..and b/c I have sOooo many pictures saved on the memory card of mine..
I still can't believe that the last time I was home (almost 2 years ago) was actually my last chance to visit my granny's place. That house was old..but it always brings back all my childhood memories whenever I'm in it. That's the place where I spend most of my time with my granny..and also the place where the whole family would gather for each special occasions. Now, it's gone with all the belongings in it. It caught fire last 2 nights..everyone was safe..there were some minor injuries and traumas going on..but i guess I should be really grateful that no lives were taken away with the house. The two families who were living there are currently staying over at my place (which is 5 minutes walk from my granny's place). Kak Liza scanned an article on the accident with the actual picture of the house when it was on fire.
I recall, last three years, the first time I went home while in the U.S was in fact the last time that I get to kiss, hug and spent time with my grandmother. I never would have thought that I won't even get to be with her or attend her funeral. I personally think that I know her very, very well, but deep in me, I really wish that I could spend more time with her when she's still alive.
Come to think of it, I finally realized how things can actually happen when we least expect them. Nobody can see what's coming. Nobody can predict the future. I actually learn to treasure everybody..yes, I mean everybody that I know, whether I like her/him or not. I tell myself to at least TRY to get to be nice to everybody around me and spend some time with him/her when I get the chance..cause you'll never know if you will get the chance to see them again after that very second.
Nobody would think that in any minute or second, he or she would actually be the one reading Yassin to the person very dear to them or pouring water and flowers on his or her resting bed. Somethings are beyond our control. I won't wanna look back and be sorry for not acting the way I should and not saying the things I want to say to the people around me, especially to the ones I love and care about.
Can't lie, at this very moment, all I can think of is to go home..and be there for my family..support them in every ways that I can..