Saturday, September 23, 2006

Feeling down..to the ground..

It felt wrong. It felt empty. I feel sad..disappointed..frustrated..mad? confused and upset. I guess I couldn't find the right words to describe my emotions today. It was in fact a mixture of feelings..bad ones!

Somehow, after crying, I start to realize the silver linings in this black, greyish clouds in my life these days. maybe it will make me be a better person. Those words from her might be a stepping stone for me to move forward. InsyaAllah. Somehow, my inner feelings says it is really hard for me to change who i am..i don't understand..what the hell is wrong with being friendly? i can't be friends with the lower level employees? who the hell set the rules? are they allowed to tell me who i can and cannot mix with? isn't that considered as my personal life? WTF??!! it hurts when i actually had to sit there..listening to her..and not say a word..whatever it is, one thing i told myself, I DON'T WANNA B A STUCK UP ENGINEER..that ain't me! so please understand..judge me based on my work, not my size or my personality. Wasn't that's what you said to me, in my face, during the interviews??!!!

And her. Another thing that's been bothering me all night. I understand my role. I understand that I HAVE to respect her no matter how wrong she can be. Tonight I felt like a bigger person. I had the guts to say sorry. I'm loud. I'm outspoken. I voice out what I feel and think. Maybe for some people including her, that's rude. For me, that's straightforward. Some people refuse to accept the truth and choose to be mad about it and try so hard, in fact, extra hard to defend themselves and prove themselves right. But I don't care. For me, personally, if you think you're right, nobody can stop you from feeling that way. However, if you know you're wrong, be a bigger person by saying sorry. Do not act based on your feelings, but think before you act. Hitting me on the back? Why? Why did she have to do that? Out of control? Or just acting without using her mind? Also, strangling me on my throat? Was i that wrong? Did i deserve to be killed just because i said NO? Some people can really get out of their mind when they're mad. So, I vote for "being straightforward and rude" rather than hurting other people that you love, physically. No matter how hard they hit me on my back or strangled me on top my throat, my respect for them both was still there. Frankly, things will never be the same. Never. Period.

My eyes. Swollen. My heart. Squashed. My head. Spinning. Can't think. Can't run. Live with it. Be strong. Move on. Thanks sayang. Thanks Sue. I have no idea how can I go through these drama without both of you. Praying to Him, so things would be better as time passes by..insyaAllah..

To all the Muslims out there,
Selamat Menyambut bulan Ramadhan Al-Mubarak. May God bless us all..~Amin.

Also a shout out to Sue,
HAPPY 23rd BIRTHDAY Gurl! Hope you'll have a great one!

2 comments:

permbaca-setia said...

sabar je lah. semua itu dugaan.

am said...

babe...jgn sede2 k..if aku kat sini sede and ko kat malaysia pon sede..siapa nak gembira utk kite?kite kan used to be gembira no matter what..hahaha..ok babe...im here if u need me k..muahhh!